Rev. Nontombi Naomi Tutu - 31.10.2021

 Stu Webb Lecture: Truth & Reconciliation: Healing Wounds.

Rev. Nontombi Naomi Tutu

Was up 2am last Saturday, listening to the thought-provoking and passionately delivered speech by Rev. Nontombi Naomi Tutu. Using South Africa's Truth and Reconciliation Commission as a starting place and model, Naomi Tutu spoke about how we can heal as individuals and as a society.

Her powerful message centred on the theme of courage and the willingness to speak and hear the truth.  "That first step to healing is so often the hardest. We are afraid to speak our truth for fear of judgment, rejection, and anger. We are also afraid to hear truths that might question our images of ourselves. Yet the pain is only the the first step, what comes after that is healing and wholeness."

"It takes special courage for someone to realise that he/she is  benefitting from the system. It takes a special person to question something that gives him/her comfort/privilege. There is in each of us, the capability of turning a blind eye to the suffering of others or being active participants in imposing suffering on others. That is both scary and yet empowering. 

When we recognise that fact, we start questioning ourselves in how we act in all manners of situations. We can build up communities and socialising our children so that they recognise their connections to other human beings that they meet in different spaces. We pay attention to the words that we use to our loved ones. How we walk in the world. The ways we open spaces or close spaces. We pay attention to the words that we use but also how we hear the words of others. 

If we can set up spaces for people in conflict to be heard, to hear, to see the humanity of the person they are in conflict with. To recognise the extent that they are able to open their hearts, their ears, their minds to the possibility that this person across the table from you whom you have come to hate, despite or fear might have a story that can touch a place in your hearts. A story that will open places of compassion that you did not realise you had. If we can build those spaces - we can be in the process of hearing and building a new way of interacting with one another."

I took down her beautifully strung words verbatim. 

Her message has been echoing in my mind as I reflect on my inner self. I even found myself modulating my behaviour during a zoom consultation to my client this morning! 

Such is the power of Naomi Tutu! x

Baroness Hale - "What do we mean by family now."

I was up close to 1am earlier eagerly waiting to hear one of my legal inspirations, Baroness Hale of Richmond deliver her lecture on “What do we mean by a family now”. #FJCevents.

I’m so grateful to be able to listen to her thoughts.

She’s able to make complicated concepts appear so simple. Lady Hale explained the 3 types of parents: a) genetic b) gestational c) psychological. She narrated the history of family law and the evolving concepts of marriage & civil partnerships to laws which allow same-sex couples to opt for marriage or civil partnership.

I learnt that commercial surrogacy is no longer against public policy in the UK and about the ongoing legal reform by the Law Commission for automatic legal recognition of commissioning parents. Last Tuesday’s presentations on adoptions were of such high quality and dealt with issues including severance trauma, the emotional needs for adopted children to know their biological roots which is a lifelong need for connection. Any legal reform to adoption laws must also include the voices of adult adopted children.

Much food for thought this week.

Launch of Facebook Page: Malaysian Divorce, Family & Collaborative Lawyers

One of the things that I have been working on and it is finally done! Hurrah! 

Here is the link: Malaysian Divorce, Family & Collaborative Lawyers

I have set up this page with Rajashree Suppiah. We are pioneering members of the collaborative law movement in Malaysia. 

Collaborative Law Practice was founded by Canadian lawyer Stu Webb and his idea has metamorphosised into an international movement practised in more than 23 countries worldwide.

From our experience, the traditional divorce courts are a hostile arena for a family. High emotions like blame and rage reign as parties undergoing divorce feel fear and go into flight or fight mode. Clients come to us traumatised and are not thinking clearly about the long-term goals for the family.

After a long contentious litigation battle, one spouse may end up "winning". However, in reality, there are no true winners and the biggest casualties of the aftermath are the children whose voices are often lost. 

We see first hand, how painful and destructive an impact it can be on these children.

We want to help educate Malaysians and the community that there is another way to divorce with dignity and compassion.

We want to help families transition in a constructive manner and focus on solving problems. To de-escalate conflict and preserve, heal and support family relationships with the help of trained legal, mental and financial professionals and if required, mediators.

The benefits of the Collaborative Law method is that it preserves privacy, is interest-based and child-focused. The solutions are uniquely tailored for the family and such arrangements result in a more durable agreement. It is very important how one starts the "end of the marriage" as it sets the tone for the future. 

This is the first step in our journey to change the litigious divorce landscape. I hope you will believe in our vision and join us.

Useful links:

1. What is Collaborative Practice?

https://www.collaborativepractice.com/what-collaborative-practice

2. Collaborative Practice FAQs:

https://www.collaborativepractice.com/collaborative-practice-faqs

3. List of IACP registered Malaysian Collaborative Lawyers:

https://www.collaborativepractice.com/collaborative-practice-groups/16242

4. SPLIT: Divorce through Kids' Eyes.

https://gumroad.com/l/CrAny?fbclid=IwAR2kxn5dyiLzPXk6sbJEnkbsG2hwzdoV7KY4ulGR6r06bbWzMiIsdJxcu4g

5. Getting Help for Domestic Violence:

https://wao.org.my/getting-help-for-domestic-violence/

Reflections for the new year.

1st January, 2021.

Happy New Year everyone! In the quiet moments of the first day of the year, I’m taking some time to pause and reflect on the year just passed, amidst the chirping birds in the background. :) 

 

I’m thinking of people who were part of my growing up years, but no longer with us, my grand aunt Ee Poh & maternal grandmother, Poh Poh whose funeral we sadly could not attend due to the travel restrictions in place. 

 

What were the experiences and milestones of 2020? Have I poured enough of myself into my family, friends and community? Have I changed my lifestyle and choice of products to better protect the environment? Have I used and shared my knowledge of what I have read? Have I implemented the lessons I’ve learnt from the many webinars and online conferences attended? Am I a better wife? Have I been loving enough? Have I been a more patient and present mother? Have I guided my children enough in their studies and firm in setting boundaries? A more attentive daughter / daughter-in-law? Am I a reliable friend? With time to lend a listening ear? Have I been a supportive and understanding employer to my domestic helper? Am I a better partner and mentor to my associates and employees? Am I able to serve my clients better, be more empathetic and to infuse my vision of child rights and family lawyering through the Collaborative Law process? How may I further innovate and develop my practice areas? Improve my billings and collections? How effective have I been? Have I remained authentic and true to myself? How have I been courageous, truthful and maintained personal integrity this past year? Have I pushed myself out of my comfort zone? I am thinking of the answers to the above… some were achieved, others still work in progress.... And so I continue on, striving for better in 2021! 

 

Warmest thoughts to all for a kinder, wiser, safe and healthy new year. May peace, love and prosperity follow you and your family always. 

 

Siu Lin