Malathi Das

I bid farewell to my friend Mal Das who lived a life full of service for others, a passionate advocate of women and child's rights. Mal was very much at the forefront of family law in Singapore and a former President of Lawasia.

She was larger than life, generous in sharing her knowledge, articulate, had great taste in food and I remember the little cafes we dined in and the bookstores we explored in Bangkok. She kindly invited me to be one of the speakers at the Lawasia Conference in Siem Riep, sharing the stage with the late Hon Anne-Marie Hutchinson OBE, QC. It was an unforgettable experience and I am grateful to her for opening that door.

I will always treasure our friendship. She was an unselfish mentor, Malathi guided me, provided a listening ear as I bounced off ideas and she shared resources when I was first appointed as a child advocate in a Malaysian Court. I will miss you my friend and cherish the memories.

Prayers and comfort to your family. RIP Ms Malathi Das, you are truly a Superpower, now and hereinafter.

Rev. Nontombi Naomi Tutu - 31.10.2021

 Stu Webb Lecture: Truth & Reconciliation: Healing Wounds.

Rev. Nontombi Naomi Tutu

Was up 2am last Saturday, listening to the thought-provoking and passionately delivered speech by Rev. Nontombi Naomi Tutu. Using South Africa's Truth and Reconciliation Commission as a starting place and model, Naomi Tutu spoke about how we can heal as individuals and as a society.

Her powerful message centred on the theme of courage and the willingness to speak and hear the truth.  "That first step to healing is so often the hardest. We are afraid to speak our truth for fear of judgment, rejection, and anger. We are also afraid to hear truths that might question our images of ourselves. Yet the pain is only the the first step, what comes after that is healing and wholeness."

"It takes special courage for someone to realise that he/she is  benefitting from the system. It takes a special person to question something that gives him/her comfort/privilege. There is in each of us, the capability of turning a blind eye to the suffering of others or being active participants in imposing suffering on others. That is both scary and yet empowering. 

When we recognise that fact, we start questioning ourselves in how we act in all manners of situations. We can build up communities and socialising our children so that they recognise their connections to other human beings that they meet in different spaces. We pay attention to the words that we use to our loved ones. How we walk in the world. The ways we open spaces or close spaces. We pay attention to the words that we use but also how we hear the words of others. 

If we can set up spaces for people in conflict to be heard, to hear, to see the humanity of the person they are in conflict with. To recognise the extent that they are able to open their hearts, their ears, their minds to the possibility that this person across the table from you whom you have come to hate, despite or fear might have a story that can touch a place in your hearts. A story that will open places of compassion that you did not realise you had. If we can build those spaces - we can be in the process of hearing and building a new way of interacting with one another."

I took down her beautifully strung words verbatim. 

Her message has been echoing in my mind as I reflect on my inner self. I even found myself modulating my behaviour during a zoom consultation to my client this morning! 

Such is the power of Naomi Tutu! x

Baroness Hale - "What do we mean by family now."

I was up close to 1am earlier eagerly waiting to hear one of my legal inspirations, Baroness Hale of Richmond deliver her lecture on “What do we mean by a family now”. #FJCevents.

I’m so grateful to be able to listen to her thoughts.

She’s able to make complicated concepts appear so simple. Lady Hale explained the 3 types of parents: a) genetic b) gestational c) psychological. She narrated the history of family law and the evolving concepts of marriage & civil partnerships to laws which allow same-sex couples to opt for marriage or civil partnership.

I learnt that commercial surrogacy is no longer against public policy in the UK and about the ongoing legal reform by the Law Commission for automatic legal recognition of commissioning parents. Last Tuesday’s presentations on adoptions were of such high quality and dealt with issues including severance trauma, the emotional needs for adopted children to know their biological roots which is a lifelong need for connection. Any legal reform to adoption laws must also include the voices of adult adopted children.

Much food for thought this week.

Launch of Facebook Page: Malaysian Divorce, Family & Collaborative Lawyers

One of the things that I have been working on and it is finally done! Hurrah! 

Here is the link: Malaysian Divorce, Family & Collaborative Lawyers

I have set up this page with Rajashree Suppiah. We are pioneering members of the collaborative law movement in Malaysia. 

Collaborative Law Practice was founded by Canadian lawyer Stu Webb and his idea has metamorphosised into an international movement practised in more than 23 countries worldwide.

From our experience, the traditional divorce courts are a hostile arena for a family. High emotions like blame and rage reign as parties undergoing divorce feel fear and go into flight or fight mode. Clients come to us traumatised and are not thinking clearly about the long-term goals for the family.

After a long contentious litigation battle, one spouse may end up "winning". However, in reality, there are no true winners and the biggest casualties of the aftermath are the children whose voices are often lost. 

We see first hand, how painful and destructive an impact it can be on these children.

We want to help educate Malaysians and the community that there is another way to divorce with dignity and compassion.

We want to help families transition in a constructive manner and focus on solving problems. To de-escalate conflict and preserve, heal and support family relationships with the help of trained legal, mental and financial professionals and if required, mediators.

The benefits of the Collaborative Law method is that it preserves privacy, is interest-based and child-focused. The solutions are uniquely tailored for the family and such arrangements result in a more durable agreement. It is very important how one starts the "end of the marriage" as it sets the tone for the future. 

This is the first step in our journey to change the litigious divorce landscape. I hope you will believe in our vision and join us.

Useful links:

1. What is Collaborative Practice?

https://www.collaborativepractice.com/what-collaborative-practice

2. Collaborative Practice FAQs:

https://www.collaborativepractice.com/collaborative-practice-faqs

3. List of IACP registered Malaysian Collaborative Lawyers:

https://www.collaborativepractice.com/collaborative-practice-groups/16242

4. SPLIT: Divorce through Kids' Eyes.

https://gumroad.com/l/CrAny?fbclid=IwAR2kxn5dyiLzPXk6sbJEnkbsG2hwzdoV7KY4ulGR6r06bbWzMiIsdJxcu4g

5. Getting Help for Domestic Violence:

https://wao.org.my/getting-help-for-domestic-violence/

Reflections for the new year.

1st January, 2021.

Happy New Year everyone! In the quiet moments of the first day of the year, I’m taking some time to pause and reflect on the year just passed, amidst the chirping birds in the background. :) 

 

I’m thinking of people who were part of my growing up years, but no longer with us, my grand aunt Ee Poh & maternal grandmother, Poh Poh whose funeral we sadly could not attend due to the travel restrictions in place. 

 

What were the experiences and milestones of 2020? Have I poured enough of myself into my family, friends and community? Have I changed my lifestyle and choice of products to better protect the environment? Have I used and shared my knowledge of what I have read? Have I implemented the lessons I’ve learnt from the many webinars and online conferences attended? Am I a better wife? Have I been loving enough? Have I been a more patient and present mother? Have I guided my children enough in their studies and firm in setting boundaries? A more attentive daughter / daughter-in-law? Am I a reliable friend? With time to lend a listening ear? Have I been a supportive and understanding employer to my domestic helper? Am I a better partner and mentor to my associates and employees? Am I able to serve my clients better, be more empathetic and to infuse my vision of child rights and family lawyering through the Collaborative Law process? How may I further innovate and develop my practice areas? Improve my billings and collections? How effective have I been? Have I remained authentic and true to myself? How have I been courageous, truthful and maintained personal integrity this past year? Have I pushed myself out of my comfort zone? I am thinking of the answers to the above… some were achieved, others still work in progress.... And so I continue on, striving for better in 2021! 

 

Warmest thoughts to all for a kinder, wiser, safe and healthy new year. May peace, love and prosperity follow you and your family always. 

 

Siu Lin

Rosheen's story

I read Rosheen's story as a rape survivor this afternoon - here

It made me recall of the first time I met her.

I remember sitting in an auditorium attending a closed dialogue, wide-eyed, listening first-hand to the personal stories of three brave survivors - Rosheen, rape survivor and writer of this article, Nisha Ayub - internationally renowned trans-activist, Dorian, a transman activist. 

Their experiences really changed my perspectives and starkly highlighted my privilege. Invisible privilege which I never thought twice about and took for granted, for example, simply being able to enter a women's restroom in peace, freely expressing my gender expression without fear of violence and being able to travel without being interrogated for looking different from the name in my passport. 

Concluding my Term as Bar Council Family Law Committee Co-Chairperson wef 1.6.2020

This farewell post was written on 30.5.2020 to the FLC members. 

Dear members,

I am so grateful to have had the privilege of serving the Bar Council as the Chair and Co-Chair of the Family Law Committee for the last few years. I have tried to give my best in leading our committee in our various projects/ engagements with the judiciary/authorities with the aim of improving the practice of family law for our members and the public. However, due to new commitments, I will no longer be able to continue as the Co-Chair of the Family Law Committee beyond 1.6.2020.

I have spoken to our President and my Co-Chair, Dato' Tharuma, both of whom are aware and understanding of my present constraints. The FLC will be in the good hands of Dato' Tharuma. 

FLC's strength is our teamwork and warm camaraderie, enhanced by good nasi lemak/muruku/cookies/cakes! This is reason why we have been able to achieve some measure of change in the family law landscape. No doubt there is always so much more to be done. Rest assured, I will continue to support FLC and the Collaborative Law Movement behind the scenes.

My deep appreciation to my Co-Chairs, Deputy Co-Chairs, BC Officers, Rajeswari and Florence for their support and hard work. I thank our experienced and knowledgeable senior members of our committee for their mentoring and guidance. I am also grateful to so many of you who have volunteered selflessly - at a drop of an email, telephone call or WhatsApp message and taking on a myriad of tasks from attending brainstorming meetings, delivering talks/webinars, proof-reading grammar, drafting countless papers/research to attending meetings in Putrajaya. Your support has made this journey as Co-Chair less lonely and intimidating. 

Yesterday, I received a copy of Presiding Judge Justice Debbie Ong's Workplace Address dated 21.5.2020. This is attached. Singapore is moving from an adversarial system towards a system which is "problem solving" with a focus on delivering "Therapeutic Justice" under  a multi-disciplinary family system.  I've extracted and reproduced paragraphs 35 to 37 below which set out issues that I'm sure many of us commonly face:

A Sharpened Vision for Family Justice

35. In our sharpened vision for family justice, what needs to be done in preparation for the parties’ ‘new future’? Some parents think that they alone are enough for their child; they think they can take care of the child better than the other, and in fact they think that the child does not need the other parent. Other parents use their child as a tool for revenge. Here is a list of things NOT to do:

Do not send inflammatory letters to each other, and kill the chances of cooperation.

Do not allege the worst of the other spouse in affidavits in divorce proceedings, especially personally hurtful things, even going back 20 years or more.

Do not file many applications, only to increase costs and deplete savings, shrink the size of the matrimonial assets, and increase complexity unnecessarily.

Do not let the children suffer the conflict of loyalty and other sorts of stress, or burden them with your own issues. Do not ‘parentify’ the children and deprive them of a normal childhood.

Do not turn the children against the other parent; you may not need your ex-spouse anymore, but the children do.

36. Parties should not use the court proceedings to vent their frustrations. They should use therapeutic services to support them in respect of the emotional consequences of family breakdown. This list of DON’Ts will be part of our system. We will incorporate this list in considering the conduct we expect from parties as their legal responsibility.

37. What then should we do instead? We should focus on Therapeutic Justice in our sharpened vision for family justice. ...."

Family lawyering is indeed difficult and draining, but so very important as we have the opportunity to add positive value to the lives of the families we represent.

To end, let me leave you with a quote from former Chief Justice of the Family Court of Australia, "I want to thank the profession. Your work can be dangerous, confronting and exhausting but the system would not function without you."

Wishing you a good weekend and keep Covid-19 safe!

Warmest regards,

Goh Siu Lin